These days most people think their iPhone Ap makes them arty. They’re wrong. Here’s 10 ways that using a real camera with real film makes you better than them.
- First up, having an analogue camera round your neck just looks artier than a chunky digital one. Unfortunately, due to a flurry of articles in Lifestyle magazines about old cameras being cool, it is sometimes difficult to separate the real arty ones from the pretenders. Just knowing know how to use it means you are already ahead of the game.
- Loading film is a skill that few people have anymore. Skills are arty. Even if you aren’t at the end your film, rewind it, remove it and replace the same film in a public place and you will be the artiest person in the room. If no one notices, just repeat.
- If someone you have just met proclaims themselves a ‘photographer’, you can ask them what format they shoot, analogue of digital. If they reply “digital”, you are allowed to smirk slightly, before straightening your face and saying “that’s cool”. They’ll understand what you really mean is “I’m better than you”.
- Shooting film is old. In the past people used to be artier than they are now (e.g. Dickens and Shakespeare). Therefore you are arty.
- When you drop your film off to be developed, most labs give you a little piece of paper to keep in your wallet. Every time you go to pay for something, take this slip out and say loudly “I must remember to pick up my photos”. The combination of absent-mindedness and shooting analogue makes you mega-arty! This is especially effective on a date.
- Because analogue photos are physical, you can carry your artiness with you at all times. Take them out on a busy bus or tube, flick through them, study your negatives, hold them up to the light. Go to town and watch as the dullards playing games on their iPhones look up and realise they live shallow lives compared to you.
- When you take an photo of a group, exclaim “That was a good one”. Everyone will crowd around to see the digital display. Of course there isn’t one. While you know it will be a good photo, they need a LCD display to confirm this. You are arty. They are not.
- Excess film should be kept in your fridge. Don’t ask why. Just do it. Then host a big event like a barbecue and tell people to help themselves to beers in the fridge. They will see that you value art more than food. Although they might not say anything, deep down you’ll know they know.
- If you upload your analogue photos to facebook you will get twice as many Likes as a digital album. Simple. Other people will want to add you as a friend. If they have an arty profile photo, accept them. Otherwise don’t.
- To show off your artiness, take arty self-portraits of yourself without fear of criticism. Whilst a digital self portrait is narcissistic, an analogue self portrait is just an arty accident. After all, you were only using up the final few shots so you could get your film developed.